


The stages of grief (when everything you believed is proven wrong)

by Misila



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Drama, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 10:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4055977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misila/pseuds/Misila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He didn’t need to see it to know it was there: the kanji that screamed under his clothes and burnt his skin, like it was reminding him that it would never leave."</p><p>Or, the one where Rin and Haruka's names are written on each other's skin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The stages of grief (when everything you believed is proven wrong)

**Author's Note:**

> _Free!_ does not belong to me. Neither does _High Speed!_
> 
> So I wrote it because of the lovely AU idea whitechoko posted on tumblr. Why? Because I liked it a lot and my imagination went wild. No, but _why_? Because I wanted to torture myself by writing in English without it being my first language. I tried.
> 
> Also, thank you to the lovely skype trio (the nasty, the undercover sadistic and the one who is always recommending shows and movies) for putting up with me and my rants :3

 

 

 

i. Ignorance

 

_The water is alive._

_Once you dive in, it will immediately bare its fangs and attack. But there’s nothing to fear._

 

After all, water was just that– _water_. Simple, easy. Comfortable. Somewhere nobody, no _thing_ could reach him. It was only his, because he was the only one who understood it  in its entirety.

Just the opposite of people.

Even as he lay at the bottom of his bathtub, his whole body submerged, Haruka still felt the _scar_ bothering him. He didn’t need to see it to know it was there: the kanji that screamed under his clothes and burnt his skin, as if reminding him that it would never leave.

As if Haruka didn’t know that already.

He had to admit it _was_ beautiful. It was the first word he had ever written, although at the time it had felt more like drawing. He couldn’t remember the first time he had asked what it meant; but he knew that the name had always accompanied him.

It was a nice name, he supposed. It was the only thing about the stranger Haruka wanted to care about, though.

Because nobody had ever asked him if he wanted it. Nobody had taken into account his opinion before carving that name on his skin and giving it the right to interfere with his life and decide for him who he wanted to be with.

He had always thought it would be better if he had no tattoo. Before knowing Rei, he had thought Fate only wanted to give that Rin a boyfriend so she’d be happy.

After meeting his underclassman, though, Haruka was sure Fate –or whatever decided to chain people since birth– was wrong.

But regardless of how much Haruka had come to hate it, it was still there. On the inner side of his thigh, halfway between his knee and his hip, black tracings against the white skin that was always covered by his swimsuit. No matter how much Haruka tried to ignore it, it would be always there to remind him that he would never be free.

Eventually Haruka had to resurface to breathe again. He didn’t feel any better when air put the faint burning in his lungs out; it just took a glance that soon turned into a glare to his leg to realize again that he still belonged to _Rin_.

The hurried footsteps that approached to the bathroom didn’t make him stop looking at the scar; it was only when he heard his best friend opening the door that he looked at him.

Makoto sighed.

“Don’t you ever get tired of water?”

Haruka didn’t bother to answer; instead, he took Makoto’s hand so his friend helped him stand up.

“Haru, you should really hurry up,” Makoto said when Haruka was dressed and calmly frying some mackerel. “Nagisa and Rei are already waiting for us to take the bus.” He looked at his phone. “And asking if you have changed your mind about going to regionals.”

“I’ll be ready when I have breakfast,” Haruka stated.

Makoto sighed again. Makoto sighed a lot when it came to Haruka having mackerel for breakfast.

“God, Haru, I’m sure they’ll have mackerel there,” He muttered under his breath.

 

 

 

Rin was almost late to the stadium because of Sousuke.

He loved his friend, he really did; but remembering why was hard when he had spent half an hour trying to wake him up. He’d had to tell the rest of the team to go there by themselves, and when he and Sousuke finally got to the stadium they had few to no time to practice.

“I’m sorry,” Sousuke tried.

“You’re stupid,” Rin retorted, waving at Aiichiro when they got to the stands. “You don’t take this seriously.”

“That’s not true.”

Rin didn’t say anything. He was still angry and a bit afraid he’d mess up his race.

“Come on, Rin, cheer up a little. What if your future wife is here and seeing you pout like a baby?”

“I’m not pouting!” Rin complained. He wasn’t. He was just a bit upset.

But Sousuke’s joke made him look at the stadium under a new light. He knew not everyone’s marks were as visible as his, but he still saw a few. On the back of a proud mother’s left hand, on the ankle of one of the backstroke swimmers whose race was about to start. Most of them were Japanese names, but Rin read _Ana_ written in Latin alphabet on the wrist of a coach and something he supposed was Arabic on a little girl’s knee.

But nobody had _Rin_ carved on her skin.

It was both disappointing and relieving, though. Rin had grown up listening to their parents’ story, reading novels about soulmates and hoping that someday he, too, would meet the love of his life and marry him on a beach at sunset.

The only problem was– _well_.

There was no way this _Haruka_ could be a _he_.

And it was terrifying.

Lost in his own thoughts, Rin didn’t realize he should be going to the locker room until Sousuke shoved his shoulder playfully. Rin shook his head to clear his mind and stood up.

“You are hopeless,” Sousuke laughed. “I was joking about your future girlfriend, okay?”

“It’s not like I was upset…” Rin mumbled. “Anyway, I have to go. See you later.”

He wasn’t nervous when he changed into his swimsuit and walked to the pool with the other swimmers. Out of habit he caressed the tattoo on his chest, right under his clavicle and only a few centimetres above the point where he could feel his heart the most, wondering and at the same time not wanting to know when he would meet Haruka.

When his turn came, Rin stopped thinking about the soulmate he didn’t know yet. He grabbed the edge of the starting block at the first whistle, and his whole body tensed in anticipation. He didn’t even look at the swimmers that were next to him. All he had to do was winning the race, earning the right to go to nationals.

_Whistle–_

As long as his body touched the water, Rin knew his start had been flawless. He started then with the strokes, aware of the fact that the other swimmers couldn’t reach him. A grin spread across his face, pushing through the water.

“ _Don’t._ ”

Rin didn’t exactly hear it. It was more as if the water spoke against his skin, lowly but with enough strength to give him a reason to keep up his guard.

“ _Don’t you dare._ ”

It wasn’t the water, Rin realized. The water didn’t speak. It was the swimmer next to him, whose movements didn’t even seem to make any noise, who was catching up too easily.

Rin gritted his teeth.

 _I won’t let you_ , he thought as he got to the wall and kicked it with all his everything. He was going to win. He was going to–

“ _No, you’re not._ ”

And then the swimmer caught up with him.

Rin couldn’t find anything he disliked about the shiver that shook him from head to toes when he felt that foreign presence right next to him. He just wanted to overtake his rival, to win, to keep swimming.

Never before had he feel so fired up during a race. They were exciting, yes, he _loved_ races, but this? This was completely different. This was _fun_ , breath-taking; Rin had never thought swimming could be so exhilarating.

He knew he had lost the moment he touched the wall. He struggled a bit to catch his breath, taking his cap and goggles off, unable to erase the huge smile from his face when he turned to look at the swimmer that had just beaten him.

But he had already gotten out of the pool and was on his way to the showers.

“Oi!” Rin called out. The boy turned around to look at him. “That was amazing,” he stated, pushing himself out of the pool too. “ _You’re_ amazing. What’s your–“

But the boy started to walk again, purposefully and completely ignoring Rin,

 _What’s with him?_ , he grumbled to himself, watching his dark hair disappear on the corridor and trying not to think about how _blue_ his eyes were.

Instead, he looked at the screen to at least learn his name.

Rin barely had it in him to realize he would go to nationals despite not having been the fastest swimmer. His gaze was glued to another name.

He lightly touched the mark he had been born with.

 

 

 

Even Makoto was worried when Haruka took twenty minutes to finish his shower. He didn’t say anything in front of Nagisa and Rei, but Haruka knew him well enough to know what he was thinking.

He didn’t need to bother, though. Haruka was fine. He was just confused.

It wasn’t the first time someone overtook him on a race. It wouldn’t have been the first time he didn’t win a race. No, that wasn’t what was bothering Haruka. Because he always sensed, always _knew_ that none of them felt the water the way he did. And he didn’t want to be the fastest, even if that was the easiest way to prove it. He wanted to be the one who understood it the most.

But that boy… Haruka had seen the _red_ before even looking at him. He had coloured the pool with his presence, but he had never fought against it. The water had just accepted him without a doubt.

It made Haruka’s insides twist in anger.

“Who was that?” he asked Makoto after making sure Nagisa and Rei were too busy talking to each other to listen to them, grateful that Gou was already gone.

“Who?”

Haruka glared. “The guy I raced against.”

“Oh! You mean the one who almost beat you?” Nagisa chipped in excitedly, coming out of nowhere. “It was a joke, Haru-chan.”

“His name is Matsuoka Rin-san, Gou-san’s brother” Rei helpfully said. “He will be in nationals too, so you probably will race him again, Haruka-senpai.”

Haruka didn’t bother telling Makoto to mind his own business when he felt his concerned look on him. He didn’t even hear what his friend said after that tiny bit of information, because his mind was walking in circles around that name.

 _Rin_.

He thought about the scar, black and cruel and hidden under his clothes. Then he remembered the boy, the thrill, the _red_.

 _It can’t be him_.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

ii. Realization

 

Something must have gone wrong.

Very, _very wrong_.

Rin looked for the tenth time at his sister’s name, then at the top bunk where Sousuke had fallen asleep listening to his music, then at the wall, hoping that something would give him an answer.

He wasn’t even sure his question had been heard.

But Rin still needed to know, so he swallowed all his uncertainty and pressed the ‘call’ button.

It didn’t take even half a second for Gou to answer.

“Onii-chan! You called!” She sounded too excited and Rin felt a pang of guilt when he realized he should call her more often. She was the only little sister he had, after all.

“Yeah… How are things at home? How’s Mum?”

“We’re fine, but you’d know it if you came here more often,” Gou scolded him. “Anyway, what did you call me for?”

Rin bit his lower lip.

“That swimming club of yours,” he started. “You said there are few people.”

He had never really cared about the Iwatobi Swim Club. It was too little, and Rin had never expected anything remotely impressing from it. He thought about it more like Gou’s hobby than anything.

Apparently, he had been wrong about that too.

“Yes, we have only four swimmers.” Rin practically _heard_ Gou’s smirk. “Why do you suddenly care?”

“You– One of them–“ Rin breathed deeply, trying not to stutter. “One of those swimmers is called Haruka, isn’t he?”

Gou fell silent, and Rin knew she had finally understood what was bothering him. He played with the hem of his t-shirt, waiting for her to make up her mind about the tattoo carved on Rin’s chest.

“I didn’t tell you,” Gou whispered, and she sounded apologetic. “Haruka-senpai really looks like the type of person who doesn’t have a mark, and I’ve never seen it. Besides, he’s a guy. Not that I mind, but you don’t swing that way, do you?”

Rin couldn’t bring himself to shake his head. He tried to speak several times, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a shaky, yet honest “I don’t know.”

And Gou shut up again.

“Say something,” Rin growled when he regained his voice. “Say, would you like to hold a joint practice at Samezuka?”

Gou took his time to answer.

“It’s fine for me, but you should talk to Makoto-senpai too. He’s the captain,” she explained, sensing Rin’s perplexity.

“Okay, give me– Wait, did you just say _he_?!”

Gou laughed.

“The four members of the club have girly names. Just like you, onii-chan.”

Rin frowned. “Okay, now give me _his_ number.”

“Do you want Haruka-senpai’s number too?”

“Gou!”

 

 

 

Haruka fiddled with the zip of his bag, almost completely ignoring the chatter of his friends filling the train. Sometimes he would catch Makoto glancing at him, and he’d scowl and look through the window, pretending not to realize.

What he couldn’t ignore, though, was Gou’s intense stare. The girl had been looking at him way too much lately, and Haruka didn’t have any clue of the reason. It was impossible that she knew about the scar; nobody but Makoto did. He supposed she, just like the rest of his friends, had realized something had happened in the race.

Haruka didn’t like it. Other people acknowledging it made that confusing flow of emotions more real.

Yet he couldn’t bring himself to care, not when he expected – _hoped_ – to race Rin again. It had nothing to do with the name inked on his thigh, it was something beyond logic: Haruka just wanted to feel that thrill again, to taste the way Rin turned the water _red_ until he learnt what it was made of.

None of the boys would have been able to get to Samezuka without Gou’s help. She kept talking about her brother the whole way, and for once Haruka actually paid attention, knowing _onii-chan_ wasn’t only his friend’s brother anymore.

When they got to the natatorium, Haruka’s eyes immediately fixed on the bright, clear surface of the water. The sunlight that reached the pool reflected on it, drawing clear flowers on the walls.

“You’re here early.”

Haruka stopped looking at the pool. Rin was before them, hands on his hips and a confident smirk on his lips.

“Sorry, I guess we all are excited,” Makoto replied. “Is there any problem?”

“No, it’s fine. It means we have more time to practice.”

Rin didn’t stop looking at Haruka while he talked, but when Haruka fixed his eyes on Rin’s, Samezuka’s captain glanced at Makoto instead.

He was a bit ridiculous, Haruka decided.

Another member of the team guided them to the locker room, where they changed into their swimsuits before approaching the pool. Rin, who had left his jacket on a bench and was stretching his arms, walked towards them.

“We’ll start with individual time trials, and then we’ll group depending on our preferred stroke…”

Haruka wasn’t paying attention. He knew he wasn’t the only one who had realized –at least, he was sure Makoto had seen it too–, but he couldn’t stop looking at the black mark on Rin’s chest, reading it again and again with the faint hope it would change, or simply disappear.

Because he was not ready. It was too soon, he was too young and he didn’t want to deal with what having his name written on that stranger’s skin meant. _Belonging to someone_ were bigger words.

Haruka didn’t want to own anyone. Nor did he want to be owned.

“… and I guess that’s all,” Rin finished. “Any question?” Haruka had no idea what he had just said, but he didn’t ask. He was too busy looking for thoughts to reassure himself.

Nothing seemed to work, though, the moment Rin approached him when the others walked to their positions. Haruka almost _heard_ the blood draining from his face.

“You’re Nanase, aren’t you?” Rin asked, apparently not realizing Haruka’s name was written on his skin. “Do you swim butterfly? Would you like to ra–“

“I only swim free,” Haruka cut him off, remembering the use of his legs and walking to the starting block.

“Well, I swim free too, but that’s obvious,” Rin replied. “Anyway, how do you feel about a race?”

Haruka looked at him. Not at the mark, but at his eyes. They were full of the excitement both of them had felt racing some days ago, bright with the wish of doing it again.

 _He’s not the only Rin in the world_ , he told himself, _and there must be a lot of people named Haruka_.

“Okay.”

 

 

 

Rin had never wanted to keep swimming so badly, even though his body was exhausted.

Nobody had bothered to keep track of how many times they had raced, and if Rin had been counting his victories he had long forgotten the number. His heart thumped inside his chest so loudly he was a bit worried when he and Haruka got out of the pool, both still trying to regain their breath.

He stole quick glances at Haruka every now and then, knowing without needing him to say it out loud that he felt the same way. His eyes shone with a light that hadn’t been there when he had arrived to Samezuka, his cheek slightly flushed from the nearly three hours they had spent racing each other.

Rin hadn’t realized until he looked at the watch and felt the tiredness in his muscles. He wanted to take a hot shower and go straight to his bed, but he still had to talk to his team while Haruka and the others went to take a shower.

He was lucky Aiichiro had taken note of everybody’s times, because had paid little attention to everything that wasn’t Haruka that afternoon. They were all getting better, though not at the same rate. Rin looked through the times, talking a little to the swimmers he was more concerned about, and made sure everything in the pool was in its place before getting into the showers, knowing he would be the only one by now. Everyone had already finished and probably on their way to the canteen.

Except he wasn’t alone. Rin heard the water running on one of the showers; he had no interest on looking, but he couldn’t help but turning to his left when he passed by and saw black hair.

 _Exactly how much does this guy like water?_ Haruka wasn’t even lathing himself up; he was just standing under the stream of water, with his head thrown backwards and his back facing Rin and –not that Rin stared, Rin didn’t stare, Rin _did absolutely not stare_ – completely naked.

Despite he meant to have his shower and then dinner, Rin found his feet glued to the floor. He must have made some noise, because Haruka turned around to face him.

The few functional brain cells that remained alive inside Rin’s head told him that he had been caught in a pretty awkward position. However, his eyes got caught in Haruka’s right leg, where some traces of a mark could be seen.

Haruka didn’t say anything. He didn’t cover his private parts, either, and it was that what made Rin snap out of his daydreaming.

“Don’t you have some decency? Put something on!”

“You’re the one who is staring,” Haruka replied calmly. No, he had no decency. Or, at least, he wasn’t prudish at all. “That’s sexual harassment.”

Rin forced his eyes to fix on Haruka’s face.

“Whose name is written there?”

Even under the water, with his hair almost getting into his eyes, Haruka’s expression had something dangerous. He turned off the tap and grabbed his towel to, at last, cover himself.

“None of your business,” he muttered.

“That’s not fair,” Rin complained, watching Haruka pass in front of him and start to walk away.

Haruka didn’t answer.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

iii. Denial

 

Summer was starting to settle in, warming Iwatobi up with a heat that would soon become lazy.

Haruka didn’t complain when Makoto’s mother asked him to take care of her children while she and her husband went on a trip to celebrate their anniversary. He accepted, but not only because Makoto needed to study everything he had procrastinated for weeks.

He truly enjoyed being with Ran and Ren. They were always fighting and sometimes they were too loud for his taste, but he loved having them around.

He asked them to help him to fix the garden. Winter had been too cold for him to take care of all the plants, and when the weather had started to get warmer, especially during the last weeks, his mind had been busy with more important matters.

While he pulled up weeds, hoping Ren and Ran wouldn’t start a fight before they were done watering the pots that had already been fixed, Haruka’s mind wandered, soon finding something to walk around. Or, more exactly, someone.

Lately, Haruka had caught himself thinking about Rin way too often.

Although there had been more joint practices, Haruka couldn’t blame seeing him once a week for the way he seemed to be taking over his mind. When he was struggling with his English homework and he heard Rin’s voice shouting something in said language to his teammates before apologising and repeating it in Japanese; when he took a bath and couldn’t help but find it _boring_ until he saw the mark on his inner thigh and he found he couldn’t think of it as a scar anymore; when the sun was so bright it looked like one of those smiles.

What was worrying, though, wasn’t that; it was that it didn’t bother Haruka until he realized he had been daydreaming too much and his mackerel was completely burnt, until the water was so cold he couldn’t even feel the shivers when he got out.

That, and remembering the way Rin often touched the mark on his chest.

“Haru-chan, we’re done.”

Ran’s voice and Ren’s arms around his heck took Haruka back to reality, and that was when he realized he had done it again.

He forced a smile.

“Good.” He stood up and entered into his house and to the kitchen to give them water. “Thank you, you two.”

“Can we go to see how onii-chan is doing?” asked Ren after downing his glass.

Haruka supposed Makoto would like to have some distraction for a little while, so he walked to his house with the twins.

Effectively, his friend seemed like he needed to forget a bit about the exams. He sent his siblings straight to the shower, talking to Haruka meanwhile.

“Oh, by the way,” he added, slapping his hand over his forehead. “Gou asked if you’d be interested in coming with us to the Festival.” Haruka frowned. “Come on, Haru, it’ll be fun.”

“Rin will go too, won’t he?”

Makoto stayed silent for ten whole seconds. Haruka could feel how the atmosphere in the room switched; despite the day was warm, the house’s temperature seemed to drop five degrees.

“You have thought about this.” It wasn’t a question.

Haruka looked away.

“So what? It’s just a name. There must be a lot of people called Rin in Japan.”

“How many Rins with your name tattooed on their chest do you think are there?” Makoto’s voice was gentle, yet firm. “Aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

He could feel his whole body tense. Haruka hated what Makoto was saying, but mostly he hated that every word of it was true. He could lie to himself all he wanted, but it wouldn’t change the fact that the one whose name he had carved on his skin had him written on his own.

“I don’t care. I don’t want it.”

Makoto sighed.

“If you are that sure, it’s fine if you come with us, isn’t it?”

Sometimes, Haruka hated his best friend a little. Just a little.

 

 

 

When the first thing Rin did upon meeting his sister’s friends was staring at Haruka’s legs, as if he could make his Bermuda shorts disappear with only willpower, he had to admit that he deserved the glare the boy shot him and the silent _pervert_ Haruka mouthed.

But it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t have any depraved intention; he just wanted to know whose name Haruka had tattooed on his skin. It wasn’t his fault if it was in such a particular place.

Fortunately, nobody else seemed to notice. Haruka stood between Makoto and Rei, while Nagisa was constantly moving until he spotted Rin, Sousuke and Gou. He was such an energetic kid it made Rin smile, although when he swam there was something almost scary hidden within his presence.

“So we’re all here,” Makoto announced with a loud clap. “Where do you want to go now?”

“I’m hungry! Let’s get some squid!”

“But I want to go to the games!”

“Is there mackerel?”

“Haru, you had it for lunch!”

Rin laughed at Haruka’s offended frown. It deepened.

“The world isn’t going to end, you know.” Haruka stayed silent. The two of them had fallen behind the others, but Rin didn’t feel the need to catch up with their friends. Haruka walked at his own pace, stopping every time a stand caught his attention.

It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but Rin didn’t like the silence that had grown between them. He didn’t talk to Haruka much, though; he mostly challenged him to race or asked him if it was his name the one that was written on his thigh. It was almost instinct what made him talk when he found out what Haruka was looking at, though.

“That thing is hideous, you know.”

Haruka looked at him as if Rin had just insulted his first born.

“It’s Northern Stoplight Loosejaw-kun,” he replied, almost defiantly.

“It has a _name_?!”

Rin didn’t get an answer. Instead he watched, half surprised, half horrified, how Haruka started to watch resolutely towards the shooting gallery, his eyes fixed on that big, colourful, fluffy… _thing_ , because Rin couldn’t even call that animal a fish.

“And what, do you want me to win it for you?” he joked, following Haruka.

“I can win it myself.” Haruka paid to the man in charge of the stand and grabbed the toy gun.

Perhaps it was just him, but Rin felt an unspoken _anyway, you couldn’t_ in the way Haruka lightly pushed him to stand in front of the bullseye.

“You aren’t the only one who has aim!” Rin paid too and stood beside Haruka, whose first shot had missed. “ _I_ ’ll win it.”

Thus commenced Hell.

 

 

 

Haruka got his Northern Stoplight Loosejaw-kun. Rin got a human-sized fluffy porpoise. Though he insisted on saying it was a dolphin.

“What’s the difference?” he asked when Haruka grumbled _porpoise_ for the fourth time. He sounded a bit aggressive, but his voice held more curiosity than malice.

“Dolphins have dorsal fin.” Haruka pointed at the back of Rin’s plushy. “And they are usually bigger.”

They fell in a comfortable silence.

After spending almost all their money on the stand, they had found out their friends were lost in the crowd. Rin has suggested looking for them, but he had realized soon that it would be difficult moving between people with their plushies. So they had gotten out of the Festival, walking until they reached the nearest park and plopped down on the bench.

“You think we should get back to the Festival?”

Haruka looked at him. “You just said there are too many people.”

Rin seemed uneasy when he caressed his porpoise. He took his time to speak again.

“Why don’t you want to show me your mark?”

Haruka had spent the last weeks wondering the same thing.

_Why?_

Because it could be a mistake, it _had_ to be a mistake. Because there was no way Rin was his soulmate, even though his name was written on Haruka’s skin and Haruka’s own was carved over his heart. Because there shouldn’t be such thing for him. Because it didn’t make sense.

And perhaps, because Haruka was scared.

“I told you the first time,” he muttered. “It’s not your business.”

“You could just say if it’s me or not,” Rin insisted. His head now rested on top of the porpoise’s head, his body closer than before. Or maybe it was Haruka who felt there was less space around him. “If it’s me, then I should know, don’t you think?”

 _I don’t know if it’s your name_ , Haruka wanted to scream. _I don’t know if it’s you._

_I don’t know what I should do if it’s you._

_I don’t know what I will do if it’s not you._

_I’m scared of this._

_I’m scared of you._

 

When the fireworks started, lighting up the sky, the bright colours reflected on Rin‘s eyes. Haruka found it was more beautiful than looking at the sky.

“It doesn’t really matter.”

Among the loud roaring of the fireworks above them, his words never reached Rin’s ears.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

iv. Anger

 

Rin left his porpoise on his bed at Samezuka.

He told himself he’d take the plushy home the next time he visited his mother and his sister, but two days after the Festival he decided he liked it and, against all odds, it was comfortable to sleep on.

“A _dolphin_?” Sousuke snorted. “And what now, will you bring your boyfriend to live here?”

Rin felt his cheeks turn red.

“It’s a porpoise. And he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Not yet.”

“I don’t know if it’s…” Rin scratched the back of his head. “I mean, I haven’t seen his mark. Maybe he has another name and–”

“Oh, so you want it to be him?” Sousuke smirked. Rin shrugged. “I get it would be easier if it wasn’t him, but you shouldn’t overthink it.”

Rin raised an eyebrow.

“And why is that?”

“Swimming, you idiot.” Sousuke rolled his eyes. “You’ve been slacking off and nationals aren’t that far away.”

Rin frowned.

“I haven’t been slacking off.”

“Maybe not in the free, but have you seen your butterfly times?”

Sousuke’s statement hit something.

“Well, it’s not like I need any Japanese scouts,” he replied. After all, he was going to Australia when the school year ended.

“And people are faster than you there, you know.”

Rin went silent. Yes, he knew. He remembered it too clearly.

“It’s not any of your business, though,” he spat through his gritted teeth.

Sousuke must have realized he had hit a nerve, because it took him a while to speak again, and when he did his voice came out strangely soft.

“I’m just saying that your career is more important that some guy that may or may not be your soulmate.”

Rin bit his lip.

“If you want to force me to choose between my dream and Haru, better stop it.”

Now it was Sousuke’s turn to raise his eyebrows.

“Whoa there, Romeo. Don’t take it too seriously. It isn’t written anywhere that you have to marry your soulmate.”

Rin looked at his porpoise for a long time before nodding.

 

 

 

The water didn’t like it.

Haruka wasn’t exactly sure of _what_ exactly it didn’t like, but the water’s rejection felt like a punch in the stomach. Instead of embracing him, the one thing that had always accepted him didn’t want him anymore, drops running down his skin to stop touching him the soonest it could.

It was so upsetting Haruka couldn’t even make two laps before getting out of the pool, sitting on a bench and trying not to get even more anxious.

It was Rin’s fault.

Haruka couldn’t find any other reason for the water’s sudden dislike towards him. Rin was the only thing that had enough power to do something like that to him. And Haruka would have been more angry at him if he could deny that nothing in Rin had changed since the Festival.

And if Rin was the same, then that meant the one who had changed was–

 _It’s Rin’s fault_.

“Haru-chan, aren’t you swimming?” Nagisa’s head poked out the surface, his eyes wide in surprise. Haruka shook his head. “Why _yyyyy_?”

“Haru has his reasons,” Makoto chipped in. Haruka didn’t need to look at him to know that there would be a Conversation when the others were gone, but he shot his friend a glance nonetheless, trying his best not to think about his gentle smile as foreboding.

After all, Haruka didn’t need Makoto to tell him what was wrong. He just had to be honest with himself for some minutes to find the source of the problem

Not that he thought it was a problem. He had been fine with it all his life. The only problem was Rin. And maybe the way his eyes were always bright, always reflecting all the colours.

“You really should talk to Rin,” was the first thing Makoto said when they said goodbye to their friends. Haruka’s jaw clenched as he shook his head. “Why are you so stubborn? It’s going to be nice, you’ll see”

“How do you know?” Haruka looked at Makoto straight in the eye, almost daring him to say he knew what he was talking about when both of them were well aware that Makoto hadn’t found his _Mio_ yet.

Makoto shrugged.

“I’ve seen my parents.”

 _I almost haven’t seen mine_. Haruka bit his tongue to stop it from betray him. Thinking too long about his parents and their bond –so strong everyone else always was left out, including their own son– never did any good.

“But what I’m saying, Haru,” Makoto went on, “is that you should give Rin a chance. He’s a good guy. And you like him.”

“I like _swimming_ with him.” Haruka knew as long as he thought about his Northern Stoplight Loosejaw-kun plushy that it was half a lie. He hoped Makoto didn’t point it out.

Thankfully, Makoto didn’t push the matter further. He didn’t say a word until they parted ways at the bottom of the stairs, and even then he waved him goodbye without speaking.

When Haruka got into his house, all he had to distract himself from Rin was an empty home and an inexplicable resentment towards the whole world.

 

 

 

Rin honestly had no idea what he had done to Haruka, but when he felt a glare digging several holes on his back he somehow _knew_ it was him before turning to face the Iwatobi Swim Club.

“Hi.” Makoto’s smile was such a violent contrast with Haruka’s pout next to him that it was a miracle that those two were actually close friends.

“Hello.” Rin carefully proceeded to ignore Haruka’s sudden animosity. “Well, go get changed and we’ll start practice.”

It didn’t matter how much he tried; Rin didn’t know what the hell was wrong with his friend. Not only Haruka looked like he was going to drown Rin the moment he let his guard down; he spent the first forty minutes sitting on a bench, and when he finally got into the pool he lost all the grace Rin admired. It was more like a child trying not to drown, and it wasn’t surprising in the very least that Haruka didn’t stay for long in the water.

Rin didn’t dare challenging Haruka to a race; he didn’t have a death wish. Besides, he supposed even Haruka had bad days sometimes, and it looked like today was one of them.

When the practice finished, Haruka was still sitting on his bench, glaring the pool as if everything was the water’s fault. Rin supposed Makoto or someone would make sure Haruka didn’t stay there for too long, but shockingly Makoto just shrugged and told Rin that his friend needed _to think long and hard about things_ before walking away with Nagisa, Rei and Gou.

Rin sighed. So it was his mission to chase Haruka out of his school. Great.

He started by throwing a towel to Haruka’s face and sitting next to him. He tried not to laugh when Haruka grabbed the towel and swung his gaze between it and Rin with a deep frown.

“Dry yourself, or you’ll catch a cold.”

Slowly, Haruka put the towel over his head, looking at the empty pool while the slowest of Rin’s teammates got to the showers.

“The water doesn’t accept me.”

Rin had gotten used to the way Haruka talked about water, as if it was a living entity. Still, it was strange, knowing there was no metaphor or hidden meaning: Haruka said just what he thought, without embellishing or complicating it with anything unnecessary.

“Why?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.

“It’s your fault,” Haruka just muttered.

“Huh? If it were my fault, it wouldn’t accept _me_ , don’t you think?” Rin protested.

Haruka’s fingers curled around the ends of the towel.

“It was fine until the Festival.”

“Then it’s your hideous toy’s fault.”

But Haruka didn’t reply, and Rin started to grasp the seriousness of the issue. He should have realized the moment Haruka didn’t strip off his clothes when he’d seen the pool.

”So what does the water have against me?”

Haruka turned his head to look at him. His eyes were still absurdly blue under the towels and half hidden behind his black bangs, and something within them made Rin’s stomach jump.

“Nothing.”

Rin knew what he had to say next, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to do it:

“Then what do you have against me?”

Blue eyes looked down and one of his hands lowered to rest on the bench, between Haruka and Rin.

“Nothing, I guess.”

Rin blinked. Once, twice, three times. But he still didn’t understand.

 “What?”

The hand that had been grabbing the towel moved slowly towards Rin’s chest. A single finger lazily slid over the mark, and Rin felt a kind of fear he didn’t know was even possible when he realized Haruka knew exactly how hard and fast his heart was beating against his ribs.

“This.” Haruka poked the tattoo when he finished following the traces that outlined his own name. “I have _a lot_ against this.”

Somehow he had gotten closer, and now Rin could feel his breath warming his face. Haruka wasn’t looking at him, though.

Rin swallowed when he used his hand to lift Haruka’s chin, wanting to see his eyes.

“I guess it’s weird when neither of us is a girl.” He tried to joke, but his voice came out trembling, almost scared.

Haruka raised his eyebrows millimetres.

“Is it?” And he seemed so innocent, so honestly _lost_ , that it made Rin wonder why that mattered.

Yet he never had the chance to answer. If he had, his words would have been lost somewhere between Haruka’s lips and his own. The hand that had been holding Haruka’s chin tentatively moved to the back of his head, fingers lacing between black locks when nothing told him to stop. Haruka’s hand rested flat on Rin’s chest, as if he didn’t wanted to read his name ever again.

It wasn’t romantic, at least not the way movies and novels made it seem. It wasn’t perfect. It was weird and messy and the only reason Rin didn’t freak out was realizing that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to do exactly.

But it was theirs.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

v. Bargaining

 

When Rin waved him goodbye as the train started to move, wind making his red hair dance chaotically around his face, Haruka knew he had a thousand unspoken questions on his lips, doubts he didn’t know how to dissipate because there were a thousand and one mysteries he himself couldn’t resolve.

He didn’t feel uneasy about it, though.

He wasn’t sure he could feel anything after the kiss he had asked Rin’s lips for.

It was like the world had dulled; the vivid yellow dress of the little girl who was throwing a tantrum on his father’s lap didn’t catch his eye, the cries of the child didn’t even bother him.

And Haruka couldn’t bring himself to worry.

After all, whatever happened now would be his fault. Rin hadn't been the one who had leaned closer: it had been Haruka, aware of the warnings signs screaming into his head, the utter idiot who had chosen to ignore them.

It was fine, though. It had been Haruka. Not some name carved on his skin.

 

Haruka’s senses came back all at once the next morning, so suddenly he almost swallowed water. He felt the coolness, the droplets falling from his hair and down his face. He felt the emptiness in his stomach from not having had dinner last night.

He felt the warmth on his chest when he remembered Rin. The tingling on his lips stretched to a tiny smile before getting out of a water that seemed to have gotten over its grudge against Haruka.

Haruka paid less attention than usual in class. Instead of taking notes, his hand moved on its own accord, filling the margins of the page with waves breaking when they got to the shore and a sharp-toothed smile. He didn’t think about erasing them until he drew two eyes too bright to capture them on his notebook above the teeth.

He frowned when the bell rang. Closed the notebook. Tried to forget Rin at least until they saw each other again.

 _Tried_.

On his defence, the water didn’t help him. It was true that it accepted him again, as if it had just wanted Haruka to kiss Rin, but under the surface, where his friends’ voices couldn’t reach, it was eerily silent, empty, and almost _dead_. Not even Nagisa’s loud splashes could fill the darkness the water held.

The worst thing about it was that Haruka couldn’t blame Rin. It was the way the water had been for the last months; the only times where it felt truly alive was when Rin was there. When he wasn’t swimming with Haruka, water was just the liquid that filled the pool.

Perhaps it was a good thing that Haruka’s phone rang later, when he was alone in his house and couldn’t distract himself from the void that had come back to the water, the one he didn’t know how to fill. It surprised him, since he didn’t remember the last time he had charged it and he was pretty sure it had been dead for days.

Haruka smiled, then frowned, when he read Rin’s name on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Haru!” Rin’s smile was obvious when Haruka heard his voice. He fell silent too soon, though. “So… I’ve been thinking… that… um…” he started, his voice trailing off.

“Does that mean that you _can_ think?”

“You–“

Haruka couldn’t help but smirk. Teasing Rin had proven to be a good distraction.

“You aren’t funny,” was what Rin finally said. “Anyway, I was thinking… “

“I already know that.”

“Don’t interrupt me! Would– Would you like to– I mean, it’s not like I’m looking forward to it, but if you–“ Rin groaned, apparently more exasperated with himself than Haruka was. He breathed in deeply. “Doyouwanttogotothecinemawithme?”

Haruka blinked.

“What?”

“Don’t make me say it again!” Haruka bit his lip to control the sudden urge to laugh. “Gou wanted to see that stupid movie with a friend of hers, but she’s grounded because she failed a test… so… I have the tickets for tomorrow.”

Despite the distance between them, Haruka could practically  _feel_ the warmth irradiating from Rin’s cheeks.

“Yeah.”

Apparently that wasn’t the right answer.

“Yeah?” Rin seemed confused. “Yeah as in…?”

Haruka sighed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Rin.”

The silence that followed his words was so long Haruka thought Rin had already hung up.

But when he was about to take the phone off his ear, a tiny voice came from the speaker.

“Yeah.”

 

 

 

It was twilight when Rin and Haruka got out of the cinema.

Rin wowed he’d never watch a romantic movie with him again. He hadn’t known Haruka’s talent for swimming paled in comparison to his gift for ruining the mood. While Rin empathized with the protagonist since the beginning of the film, Haruka’s reactions were little more than huffing when the scenes by the sea were replaced by romantic dinners or indoor sequences.

“Did you even get what the movie was about?” Rin asked as they walked down the street.

“I did,” Haruka replied. “She chose the guy over the ocean.” He looked like he was deeply offended.

“Well, she _does_ move to New York with him at the end,” Rin admitted, “but she didn’t say she liked–“

“I don’t understand it.”

Rin couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess it’s up to you how you interpret the story.”

Haruka looked at him out of the corner of his eye, his lips twitching upwards a bit.

“You liked it,” he said.

Rin shrugged. He would _not_ admit he had been thinking about watching the movie since before Gou was grounded.

“It wasn’t bad, I guess.” He played with the hem of his sweatshirt. “Anyway, aren’t you hungry? There’s a pretty good restaurant nearby. And they have fish too.”

Haruka simply nodded.

For some minutes, neither of them said anything. Rin was still floating on a private cloud just from thinking that he was on a date. With Haruka. He’d thought it’d be better than the night at the Festival, but the grasshoppers inside his stomach tickled just as much as then.

It wasn’t until they stood before the promised restaurant that Haruka spoke up.

“I thought you’d let me kiss you again.”

Rin would have never been able to predict he’d say _that_. Then again, trying to predict Haruka was starting to prove itself to be a waste of time.

His steps came to a halt.

“Huh?”

Haruka stopped too and turned to face him. There wasn’t absolutely anything on his face that could be mistaken for shyness or embarrassment. It would probably be impossible to find anything remotely alike within the entirety of his being.

“The other day you didn’t dislike it,” he stated.

Rin wasn’t sure if the redness on his ears was out of embarrassment or indignation.

“You were supposed to do that at the cinema, you know.”

Haruka tilted his head to the side.

“But weren’t you watching the movie?”

A defeated groan escaped from Rin’s mouth. Definitely, Haruka was an Extraordinary Mood Ruiner. “Never mind. You want your kiss?”

Haruka nodded too quickly for the grasshoppers in Rin’s stomach to keep still. Rin managed to keep calm, though, when he pulled his red hair off his face before killing the distance between them with a single stride, grabbing the front of Haruka’s shirt and leaning his face to crash their lips together.

It wasn’t any more professional than the first time, both of them awkwardly moving half on instinct and half using the memories from two days ago. But when they pulled back, Rin couldn’t help but smile at Haruka’s slight blush.

“Happy now?” he tried to pretend a confidence he didn’t quite feel, but he knew Haruka could see through it the moment the boy smiled. And, for once, Rin didn’t worry about it.

Haruka nodded again, but other than that he didn’t move. He seemed pensive.

“Does this mean we’re dating?”

“Eh… I guess. I mean, if you’re okay, then… yeah.”

“Good.”

Haruka’s smile grew a bit wider while he gently disentangled Rin’s hand from his clothes, his fingers lingering around Rin’s own for a second more than it was necessary before letting go.

“Do you think they have mackerel?” he asked, walking into the restaurant before Rin.

“It’s not like I look at the fish menu when I eat outside.”

Haruka’s disapproval of Rin’s life choices was obvious.

It turned out there _was_ mackerel, after all. Haruka seemed content with his tasteless food, while Rin asked for the spiciest meat he could find. They stayed silent while they ate the first dish, and Rin looked for something to talk about when they were finishing it.

“By the way, I’ve wondering, what do you want to do when the school year ends?”

Haruka’s chopsticks stilled over the half-eaten fish.

“I don’t know,” he muttered before resuming eating.

That wasn’t the answer Rin had been hoping for. Hell, that wasn’t even a proper answer.

“I bet you have some ideas,” he insisted. “Or at least, something you’re good at.”

Haruka didn’t look at him.

“Swimming,” he said in a low, tiny voice. “Apparently I draw well, too.”

He seemed almost ashamed of his own talents.

“And haven’t you thought about swimming professionally?“ Rin knew he was being selfish, at least in part. But it was shocking, after having taken it for granted since he had first known him, finding out that Haruka wasn’t absolutely convinced to keep swimming after high school.

The boy’s lips formed a thin, white line. “That’s what everybody says.” He played with the vegetables on his plate.

Rin was having a hard time getting what Haruka meant.

“And aren’t they right? You’d get far. You have potential and–”

“Stop it.”

Haruka didn’t yell, he didn’t even raise his voice; yet something in the sharpness of his tone rendered Rin silent. He didn’t sound angry, or sad. He just seemed– tired, exhausted from carry a burden whose nature Rin didn’t know.

“Why does it bother you?” he asked. “It’s normal that people say that. It’s true; you are amazing in the water.”

“And just for that, everyone expects me to keep swimming.” The anger in his voice wasn’t as well hidden as Haruka seemed to think.

Rin bit his lower lip.

“What about you? What do _you_ want to do?”

Haruka raised his head. His eyes were almost pleading. “I don’t know.”

The silence that grew between them was nearly violent.

“…And you?” Haruka asked at last, and Rin wondered if, despite everything he wasn’t as bad as reading the mood as he had made it seem the whole afternoon. “What will you do?”

“I’m going to Australia,” Rin explained. “I’ll be a few years training there, and when I get better I’ll try to classify for the Olympics and– Hey, what’s wrong?“

Haruka had dropped the chopsticks. He was looking at his plate, his shoulders tense.

“Nothing.”

 

 

 

Try as he might, Haruka couldn’t blame Rin.

He knew it wasn’t Rin’s fault that he didn’t know what to do after high school, that Rin was just doing the right thing by being confident about what he wanted and how he would get it. He objectively knew Rin had held no malice when he had asked him about his future.

It didn’t make his whole existence hurt less.

And he was sure that, if anyone was to blame, it was him. He was the one who had fallen into a trap that he had known since before he could remember, knowing there was no way that it had a happy ending; it was Haruka the one who didn’t have a future.

As he lay on his bed, moonlight filtering through the curtains with the song of a cricket, he couldn’t stop looking at the name standing out on his pale skin, the tattoo that never had looked like a scar that much. He wanted to hate it. It had made him think he was acting on his own accord and then pushed him so hard Haruka was now about to fall over the cliff.

But it was him the one who had forgotten that the moment he had wanted to kiss Rin, he had lost any chance to escape. He had known his name was carved on Rin’s chest, yet he had managed to convince himself that it was a coincidence even with his own tattoo always quietly itching, whispering Rin’s name so Haruka didn’t forget it.

And soon Rin would be gone to the southern hemisphere. Haruka had accepted belonging to him, but he would be more alone than he had ever been when Rin left.

It was unfair. And he had asked for it the same way he had asked Rin for a kiss.

 

Haruka didn’t take a bath the next morning. He doubted the water that lately seemed empty could help him relieve his fears.

He almost didn’t talk, either. Makoto realized something was wrong, but all his questions were met with silence. Nagisa tried to cheer him up, but not even the tiniest smile appeared on Haruka’s face. And Rei asked him if something was wrong, but didn’t complain when Haruka told him the obvious lie.

It was when Haruka and Makoto arrived to the latter’s house that Haruka voluntarily spoke for the first time. He answered Ran and Ren’s greetings, but his excuses were lost when the twins dragged him to their house. Makoto’s parents seemed happy to see him, like always, and Haruka felt a bit like home and a lot like crying.

“Will you have dinner with us, Haru-chan?” Ran asked.

“I hope so,” Makoto’s father answered for him. “After all, when Makoto goes to Tokyo we won’t be able to get together in a while.”

Haruka missed Makoto’s panicked expression when the words sank into his skin like knives.

_Huh?_

Makoto? Tokyo? That was absurd. Makoto was staying in Iwatobi, there was no way he–

“Oh, I thought you already knew.” The man seemed sorry for having ruined the surprise. “Anyway, you would have–“

Haruka couldn’t hear him over the raging storm inside his head. He couldn’t hear anything; he couldn’t even feel the twins’ hands grabbing his own.

 

 _He’s leaving, too_.

 

“Haru,” Makoto started, and his voice was the only thing that could have gotten through the numbness Haruka was buried in. “I was going to–“

 

_He’s leaving me._

 

“I can’t stay. I have food that will go bad if I don’t eat it today. Sorry.”

He stormed out of the house, nearly pushing Ran when she got in the way. He only stopped when something grabbed his wrist.

“Leave me alone,” he hissed, but Makoto took his time to let go of him.

“I wanted to tell you,” he started. “But you don’t know what to do and I thought–“

“Just do whatever you want! I don’t care!” Haruka barely registered he was yelling; he didn’t look at Makoto when he resumed taking long strides, climbing two stairs at a time until he got to his house.

Not even then he was able to believe his words.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

vi. Depression

 

Rin didn’t know what had happened to Haruka.

Even he could see something had been wrong with him since they had had dinner after going to the cinema. He believed it had something to do with the fact that he’d go back to Australia when the school year ended, but since Haruka didn’t answer his phone it was difficult to make sure.

He knew something was _very_ wrong when Haruka was nowhere to be seen among the rest of the Iwatobi Swim Club. Rin had to look twice, somehow hoping the boy was hiding behind Makoto or Rei, before accepting that, although a zombie apocalypse would have been much more likely, Haruka really wasn’t there.

“Is he sick?” he asked; it wasn’t like Rin had known him from childhood, but he was sure Haruka wouldn’t miss a chance to get into the water if it weren’t for an important reason.

Makoto shook his head.

“Haru-chan and Mako-chan fought,” Nagisa helpfully explained.

It was surprising. Haruka and Makoto didn’t seem like the type of friends who fought often. That would suit better for Sousuke and Rin himself, who couldn’t spend a whole day without arguing about the tiniest thing.

“Why?” he found himself asking some time later, when Makoto, Rei and Nagisa were on their swimsuits. “I– I mean, it’s not my business, but…”

Makoto sighed, and waited until both Rei and Nagisa had jumped into the pool to speak again. “Haru is upset because I’m going to Tokyo next year,” he told him. “I suppose it wouldn’t have been that bad if he had found out under other circumstances.”

“But why would that upset him? I mean, it’s something good and…”

“I think,” Makoto lowered his voice until Rin had to lean closer to listen, “that he is scared because everyone but him knows what to do.”

Rin remembered the pleading look, the helpless _I don’t know_. He bit his lip.

“I see…” He scratched the back of his head.

The conversation wasn’t done, it seemed, because Makoto asked him to go out so they could keep talking without any distraction. Rin put his jacket on, but he didn’t bother zipping it up as he trailed behind Makoto until they got to the school garden.

“So? What is it?” he asked.

“Rin,” Makoto’s voice sounded strangely intense. “Why don’t you try to talk to him?”

“Huh? _Me_?” Rin blinked several times before vehemently shaking his head. “What makes you think it’d fix anything? We’re always arguing.”

Makoto raised his eyebrows.

“Lately Haru has been better,” he whispered, almost as if he were talking to himself. “He didn’t even want to be in the Swim Club when we started the year; he wouldn’t have taken part in the tournament hadn’t it been for Nagisa. I think he’s a bit sick of everyone telling him how much potential he has if he keeps swimming professionally.”

“But in regionals, it was as if he revived. Haru’s swimming has always been beautiful; everyone has always told him that… but with you…” Makoto paused, trying to find the right words. “It was different. Not like he used to be before he started thinking about his future, but _better_.”

Rin kept silent. Listening to that was… oddly comforting, to be honest with himself. He had never stopped to thought that he could somehow affect someone like Haruka; he supposed it didn’t make a difference for him. But what Makoto was saying reassured him and made a lot of his doubts vanish.

“Then… maybe it’s my fault too,” he muttered, his thoughts getting back to Haruka. “The other day we went out,” he explained, “and I told him I’m going to Australia when the school year ends…”

Makoto’s eyes opened more than usual, surprised and worried.

“You… Is it true? You’ll go abroad?”

“Yeah.” Rin shrugged. “Not forever, but…”

“So it’s that too.”

“Huh?”

Makoto breathed in deeply.

“Haru never liked the soulmate idea,” he explained, glancing at Haruka’s half-exposed name on Rin’s chest. “I don’t know exactly why, but I think he sees the tattoos as chains. When we were younger he told me he’d rather being alone, like Rei, than… well…” Rin furrowed his brow. “And with you, he was trying to–“

“Wait,” Rin interrupted, and he felt an awful person for thinking about such trivial matter in that moment. “Does that mean it’s my name the one he has tattooed?”

“Didn’t he tell you?”

“I _knew_ it,” Rin breathed out, and for a moment he wanted to laugh out of sheer relief. Exactly, until he remembered– “Wait, how do _you_ know?”

Makoto blinked slowly.

“Haru and I have known each other forever,” he answered, as if it explained everything.

To be fair, it explained a lot. It was the same reason why Rin knew whose name Sousuke’s skin had carved on such an intimate part of his anatomy.

His thoughts didn’t take long to come back to Haruka, though.

“Why do you think that I can–“

“Rin,” for the first time, Makoto seemed impatient. “Just talk to him.”

 

 

 

_Everything’s fine._

 

Haruka retreated further into himself the moment he was aware he’d waken up.

 

_Makoto’s fine._

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, covered his ears with his hands. But he still was listening to it.

 

_Rin’s fine._

 

He pulled at the black strands locked between his fingers.

 

_I’m…_

 

No, he wasn’t.

And he couldn’t keep blaming Rin or Makoto; he couldn’t even blame his teachers, or the scouts that had been contacting him since prefecturals. It wasn’t their fault. Rin and Makoto just wanted to follow their dreams, his teachers wanted Haruka to success and the scouts wanted the best swimmers for their universities.

It was Haruka the one who didn’t know what he wanted.

He wasn’t fine. He hadn’t been since… when? When had it all started? When had the water fallen ill?

 

_‘You’re such a gifted child.’_

He was eight, and he dismissed the compliment shrugging and silently asking Makoto to deal with the rest of the conversation.

 

_‘I don’t know why, but when I felt him swimming besides me I couldn’t move anymore.’_

He was thirteen, and wanted to apologise to Asahi, but he didn’t even know what exactly he was sorry for.

 

_‘Nanase-kun, you must be careful with the scouts and choose the best for you.’_

He was about to turn eighteen and bowed politely at the headmaster’s advice.

 

_‘What do you want to do?’_

_I don’t know._

 

_'When Makoto goes to Tokyo we won’t be able to get together in a while.’_

 

Haruka had always believed all he wanted was to be left in the water. But the water had died, and without it Haruka was alone. And more than anything, he feared having nobody. That was why he had never wanted to meet the owner of the name he had written on his thigh; he didn’t need to meet someone that could abandon him.

But regardless of that, Haruka was going to be left alone. He’d always thought he was used to his silent, too big house, but it was eerily quiet now that he was sure that even Makoto would go away. To pursue the one thing Haruka didn’t have.

The worst thing was, perhaps, that he had been aware of what he had been doing those last weeks. He had known falling on that game, belonging to Rin would sooner or later turn against him, but he had chosen to ignore it despite, deep down, being aware of the ephemeral reality that it was.

He had never wanted to belong to anyone, and the moment he had started to think it wasn’t that bad he remembered that he’d be left alone, lost without his owner.

His pillow muffled the first sob. The second one echoed between the walls of the empty house, and the next ones were lost among the whispered, incoherent sentences that escaped from his lips.

It all was his fault.

And the worst thing was that Haruka didn’t know if there was a way to fix everything up.

 

 

 

Despite what Makoto had told him about Haruka’s back door, Rin didn’t want to get into the house like a burglar, so he settled for slamming his index finger into the doorbell until Haruka opened the door and looked at him through his dishevelled black fringe.

Something hidden within the tiredness of his unusually reddened eyes froze Rin. It wasn’t just as if he hadn’t slept –and it was obvious that he hadn’t had any sleep for more than two nights–; there was something beyond exhaustion on his gaze.

“Rin?”

Rin didn’t even try to smile.

“Hi.”

Haruka opened the door further, blinking as if trying to fully awake himself. “What are you doing here?”

“Makoto told me where you live.”

“That’s not what I asked,” Haruka mumbled. Okay, so the lack of sleep made him grumpier than usual.

“I’m going to take you out on a date,” Rin explained, too worried to blush, “so go get dressed. You have–“ He looked at his watch, “three minutes. If you aren’t ready, I’ll drag you out in whatever you have on at the moment, so better hurry up.”

It wasn’t as if Rin was expecting Haruka to run to his bedroom to get changed, but Haruka didn’t even move.

“Why?” was all he asked.

“Because I don’t want you to turn into a moody snail. Two minutes, forty-three seconds.”

Rin tried his best not to let Haruka’s glare get to him. Pretending not to realize ended up being the best option; after thirteen seconds Haruka seemed to understand that Rin wasn’t kidding and disappeared inside his house, to come back one minute and twenty-four seconds later dressed with short trousers and a Northern Stoplight Loosejaw-kun t-shirt.

It made Rin roll his eyes, but he also felt a little relieved. If Haruka still had the energy to try to piss him off, it couldn’t be that bad.

“Happy now?” Haruka whispered, his eyes fixed on the floor.

Rin nodded and grabbed Haruka’s hand.

“Are you sure you won’t get lost? Or do you want me to hold your hand?”

Haruka frowned.

“I don’t need you to guide me.” Rin’s smile fell a little.

“Then come with me.”

 

They caught a train to the city and went to the Museum of Modern Arts. Haruka frowned, but didn’t say a thing when Rin guided him through the different rooms until they got to the New Artists’ part of the building. It was then when Haruka stopped, making Rin’s steps come to a halt too.

Haruka looked at him suspiciously, as if trying to make his mind about what he should expect. Rin sighed, knowing he owed him an explanation, and walked back until he was right before Haruka.

“You are good at drawing, aren’t you? Then this is one of the places you could end up in. You can do something related to video-games or movies, too. What do you say?”

Haruka tilted his head.

“No.”

Rin lightly touched his wrist.

“We’re done here, then. Next place.”

 

Their next destination was the same restaurant they had had dinner the other day. It was too soon for the kitchen to be open, so they settled for pineapple juice and soda.

“Who told you about this?” Haruka muttered.

“Nagisa. He says you often give him part of your lunch and he thinks it’s always delicious. Rei and Makoto agree, by the way.”

Haruka took a sip of his glass.

“And what’s your next idea?”

Rin raised his eyebrows.

“I haven’t planned anything after this,” he admitted.

Blue eyes uneasily lifted from the juice. “What about swimming? Aren’t we going to a pool?”

“It’s fine for me, if you want to.” Rin shrugged. “You can do anything you want, you know. You just happen to be gorgeous in the water.”

Haruka bit his lower lip.

“I don’t know if I like swimming enough for– It’s always been just about being in the water.”

Rin dared take his hand. Haruka’s fingers curled around it.

“Then be in the water. I don’t care what you choose, just– choose something you like.”

Haruka’s hand pressed Rin’s own.

“It’s easy to say that. Everyone keeps saying–“

“Don’t listen to them.”

Haruka let go of Rin’s hand. It wasn’t rejection, though. It wasn’t defeat either.

Just–

“I don’t know.”

“Yet.” Haruka tilted his head, and Rin took it as an invitation to continue. “Whatever you do, you won’t be left behind.”

Haruka tapped his fingers on the glass.

“Liar. You’re going abroad.”

“So what? Have you ever heard about the internet?” Rin couldn’t hide his impatience; neither could he conceal the desperate edge of his voice. “I’m not going to give this up now that I finally found you.”

Haruka didn’t exactly help Rin when he kissed his flushed cheek. However, there was something that looked like a smile on his lips.

“Rin,” he whispered in the boy’s ear, just before pulling back. “Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

vii. Acceptance

 

Haruka didn’t expect Nationals to come that soon.

As he admired the stadium, though, he realized he had spent the last weeks too busy between Rin and his still uncertain future. Knowing for sure nobody would leave him behind, though, eased his fears and helped him think clearer.

He had apologized to Makoto the moment he had seen him after coming back from his date with Rin; it was something Haruka wasn’t used to do, and it had taken an important amount of courage, but Makoto had just replied with a smile and his own justification.

“I wanted to tell you,” he had explained, “but I knew it would upset you and… Sorry.”

Predictably enough, he hadn’t judged Haruka when he admitted that, despite everything, he still didn’t know what to do after he finished high school. He only had advised him to do as he wished without listening to anyone.

It was comforting, Haruka thought, knowing Makoto wouldn’t go anywhere. And being aware Rin wouldn’t be in Australia forever was a reassuring truth, too.

 

The first day Haruka woke up in Tokyo, he went for a run before taking a shower and having breakfast with his teammates. If Makoto noticed Haruka had gotten up earlier than usual, he didn’t comment about it.

The four of them, with Gou and Miss Amakata, walked to the stadium, though Haruka was the only one who needed to practice; Makoto, Nagisa and Rei hadn’t classified at regionals. So his friends walked up to the stands while Haruka got to the lockers to take off his clothes before going to the pool.

 

Deep down, the realization wasn’t surprising. It did make Haruka stop dead on his tracks, though, when he spotted other swimmers warming up on the side of the pool, when he heard a whistle and saw a coach start timing a breaststroke swimmer.

_I want to swim._

He had wanted it all along. Before meeting Rin, before the water died. And it had been Haruka the one who had first rejected the water, who had been refusing to listen to it when he started to fear what he could hear.

But now– Now he wasn’t afraid. Not enough to being unable to move, like before. Change was scary, but Haruka had realized at last he was stronger.

 

A playful shove on his shoulder made him stumble a little. When Haruka turned around, he found Rin’s sharp-toothed grin. He probably wanted to practice, too.

“Ready to lose?” Rin taunted.

Haruka snorted. Read again his own name written on Rin’s chest.

And then he smiled back.

“No, but I hope you are.”

 

Rin won the race. Haruka didn’t lose, though.

 

 

 

Sun had long sunk into the sea when Rin thought about closing the door so the wind didn’t bring the first fallen leaves into the living room. He didn’t move, though, and didn’t tell Haruka about it. Nor did he want to.

Rin was mesmerized by the sight before him. Never had he thought a birth mark could be so beautiful; but it also was the first time he saw his name inked on someone else’s skin. He lightly touched it, making Haruka wince when Rin’s cold finger slid over the mark. The boy quickly relaxed, though, and just looked at Rin with wide blue, blue eyes, as if he still wasn’t entirely sure that letting the last of his walls down had been the best idea.

“Stop staring,” he said after a while.

None of them had turned on the lights, but Rin could easily see pink colouring Haruka’s cheeks. He felt his own face heating up.

“It’s not my fault you have it _here_.” He poked at the tattoo. “This means you’re a pervert.”

“You are the one who is staring,” Haruka replied. _Touché_.

“It’s beautiful,” Rin said.

Haruka shrugged, and it almost seemed like sharing the tattoo wasn’t a big deal for him. “It’s just your name. You’re such a narcissistic guy.”

Rin frowned. “Oi, at least I say something about it. All you do is glaring mine.” He caressed the place where Haruka’s name was written under his shirt.

Haruka looked away. Sitting before Rin with his legs spread, wearing only his boxers and his favourite – _ridiculous_ – t-shirt, he looked strangely vulnerable, way more fragile than Rin knew he actually was. Yet Rin waited until he made up his mind and spoke:

“I guess it’s not that bad,” he whispered. His hand trembled a bit when he reached out to unbutton Rin’s shirt and rewrite his name again. “I never liked the idea of belonging to someone. That’s not being free.” It was almost like he was talking to himself. “But it doesn’t seem that horrible.”

Rin grabbed Haruka’s hand before he pulled back. “It’s not belonging to.”

“Huh?”

Their fingers intertwined.

“It’s belonging _with_.”

 

 

 

Haruka tried not to feel sad about Rin’s departure.

It was impossible, though, when his boyfriend asked him to help packing. When they went out the last night Rin would be in Japan for a long time, and they only walked to the beach and looked at the moon until the tide came up and forced them to stand up so they wouldn’t end up drenched. As much as Haruka would have liked it, he didn’t want Rin to catch a cold.

And it was so, so difficult to keep himself together as he stood with their friends at the airport and looked how Rin talked to everyone before leaving.

He was the last one. And he didn’t get any words. Instead, Rin hugged him, putting him so close Haruka wondered if he wanted them to become a single person.

“I’ll miss you, you know,” Rin whispered in his ear.

Haruka could only sneak his arms around his waist, not wanting to let go. “Me too.”

He had never believed Rin’s embrace could be so comfortable.

But, like about almost everything he had taken for granted for years, Haruka was wrong. It was a pity he had only realized a couple of weeks before Rin’s departure.

“I’ll beat you next time too,” Rin said, pulling back just so he could see Haruka’s face. He was smiling, although the sadness was obvious in his eyes, too.

“Maybe in your dreams.” Haruka couldn’t help the arrogant smirk.

Rin hid his face into Haruka’s shoulder, and Haruka never told anyone his jacket had gotten wet. However, empty as he felt when Rin’s plane took off, he didn’t cry.

 

After all, it wasn’t a goodbye; it was just a rest.

The same way the tattoo on his thigh wasn’t a scar, but a promise.

 

_And it’s not belonging to, but belonging with._

**Author's Note:**

> Aaand that's all! I hope you liked it. ^.^
> 
> Feedback is welcome :3


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